Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
This is my gift to your gina
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
