paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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