Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
