As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
