I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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