shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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