just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
