I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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