haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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