when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
