I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
