flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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