Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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