guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Randomize
