Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
