A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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