why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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