im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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