I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
