drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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