Pappa wants mamma naked
no, he came in my armpit
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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