His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
