and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
