I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
