38 yer olds are good kisserssss
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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