smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
