I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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