I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
