You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
