dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
