Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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