she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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