I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Randomize
