Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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