i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
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