"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
