booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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