I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
