It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
