I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
