I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
