why didn't you poke me back
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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