Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
