Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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