Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
