i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Randomize
