I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
