I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
