Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
