my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
