we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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