haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
