Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
