Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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